"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
-Joseph Campbell A year ago yesterday, I learned more about letting go of plans than I'd like to remember. After hundreds of injections and infertility treatments, surgery, dozens of tests, hundreds of ultrasounds, daily prayers, combinations of supplements, reiki, chiropractic care, acupuncture, and of course tens of thousands of dollars- we had the results of our first IVF cycle... negative. Adam and I cried and held each other all day. I wanted to give up. Take a break. I was broken. Physically, mentally, emotionally broken. Month after month of negative results took a toll on us. We couldn't help but ask God why? We had worked so hard to carefully plan for our little one. We worked hard to get an education and secure good jobs. We saved. We planned. We lived a clean, honest, and comfortable life. We were ready to be parents. Why wouldn't she come? Tears and sadness flood over me when I remember how I felt that day a year ago. I remember the snow on the ground. The way the air smelled. The feeling of my broken heart. Those painful years taught me to let go of my plans. Life doesn't operate on a neat schedule where hope and a google calendar dictate the day to day occurances. I let go of my plans. We pushed ahead. I meditated. A LOT. I worked hard to stay present. And our second IVF transfer on January 22 resulted in our beautiful girl. Thank heavens! And still. I am learning about those plans. Her heart is teaching me that. The plan to have surgery around 3-6 months has been extended to 8-9 months due to the miraculous and inexplicable growth of the tissue in her VSD. She is a miracle. She's working on her own partial repair so she can delay her surgery. She continues to grow and change every day. She smiles, and I laugh. She cries, and I am overcome with sadness. I feel her in the fibers of my soul. She and I are connected in ways I cannot explain and only a mother could understand. She is the life that was waiting for me once I let go of my plan. Right now, my plan is to return to work in four days. I am embracing every small moment until then. I say this as I write over the sleeping child laying across my lap. I'm breathing her in as the time clicks by. I am not taking the time we had/have for granted. So I leave you with that. I'm signing off to snuggle my beautiful girl on the one year anniversary when I learned about letting go, I can only pray that this time next year continues to remind me to be humble, grateful, and faithful.
1 Comment
Linda Macloud Gannon
12/31/2016 08:38:32 am
Lauren your story leaves me in tears. Your story has truly touched my heart.
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AuthorHere we are! Adam, Lauren, Nora, and of course our fur baby Baxter. This is our story. Archives
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