"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
-Joseph Campbell A year ago yesterday, I learned more about letting go of plans than I'd like to remember. After hundreds of injections and infertility treatments, surgery, dozens of tests, hundreds of ultrasounds, daily prayers, combinations of supplements, reiki, chiropractic care, acupuncture, and of course tens of thousands of dollars- we had the results of our first IVF cycle... negative. Adam and I cried and held each other all day. I wanted to give up. Take a break. I was broken. Physically, mentally, emotionally broken. Month after month of negative results took a toll on us. We couldn't help but ask God why? We had worked so hard to carefully plan for our little one. We worked hard to get an education and secure good jobs. We saved. We planned. We lived a clean, honest, and comfortable life. We were ready to be parents. Why wouldn't she come? Tears and sadness flood over me when I remember how I felt that day a year ago. I remember the snow on the ground. The way the air smelled. The feeling of my broken heart. Those painful years taught me to let go of my plans. Life doesn't operate on a neat schedule where hope and a google calendar dictate the day to day occurances. I let go of my plans. We pushed ahead. I meditated. A LOT. I worked hard to stay present. And our second IVF transfer on January 22 resulted in our beautiful girl. Thank heavens! And still. I am learning about those plans. Her heart is teaching me that. The plan to have surgery around 3-6 months has been extended to 8-9 months due to the miraculous and inexplicable growth of the tissue in her VSD. She is a miracle. She's working on her own partial repair so she can delay her surgery. She continues to grow and change every day. She smiles, and I laugh. She cries, and I am overcome with sadness. I feel her in the fibers of my soul. She and I are connected in ways I cannot explain and only a mother could understand. She is the life that was waiting for me once I let go of my plan. Right now, my plan is to return to work in four days. I am embracing every small moment until then. I say this as I write over the sleeping child laying across my lap. I'm breathing her in as the time clicks by. I am not taking the time we had/have for granted. So I leave you with that. I'm signing off to snuggle my beautiful girl on the one year anniversary when I learned about letting go, I can only pray that this time next year continues to remind me to be humble, grateful, and faithful.
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Today was one of those days that it was hard to leave and go to work. Lauren has been pulled in every which way mentally and physically, with taking on doctors apointments, feedings, meds during the day. All the while she is still trying to fully recover herself. I know I have said it before, and I will say it again... she sure is a SUPERMOM!! I don't know how she manages it and is still standing on two feet by the end of the day. Friday was the first day I left for work and Eleanor was awake. She's been kind of awake when I leave for work in the past, but that day she was awake and fully alert. I said goodbye to Mommy and Nora and exchanged some playful baby talk and faces with Eleanor. I thought to myself, I haven't seen her this awake in the morning since I have gone back to work. We smiled and laughed, and then it was time for me to get going to school. When I said good bye, you could tell that her she was using her eyes as her voice. She was pleading to me, "but daddy where are you going!? Don't Leave!!" As I walked out the door, Lauren said "look at her, she is looking for you." I can tell you, my heart broke, and I would be lying if I said didn't want to put my PJs back on and spend the rest of the day with them. I told myself "it's almost the weekend at least I am going to rush home and be their with them ASAP!!" I am hoping this gets a bit easier, but I have a feeling it probably won't. Every day when I get home or see her, there is always something different. Even in just 24 hours!! Her eyes are more curious, she is reaching and trying to touch new things. You can even tell she is trying to communicate with us in different ways. I know this girl is so tough and curious about everything. If she's anything like her mom and dad were, we are going to be kept on our toes for a very long time. There is always something new or another first experience I see being and work and coming home. Lauren has something exciting and new to share, or I just get to be surprised and see it first hand when I am home hanging out with her. Every parent says their kid is smart and so amazing, so I'll...........................tell you the same damn thing :)!!! I love seeing all these new firsts. I can tell you the first I am not looking forward to, "Dad I think I like this boy!!!" Like the previous blog, it was a first for some vaccines, and boy, Thursday night was not fun. Between getting home and getting the info from Lauren about her pediatricians appointment, we said goodbye to my brother, sister-in-law, and neices as they open their new chapter in another state. They have been super helpful and supportive and we are going to miss them. I think between that and doctors appointments, Nora was done for the day and she was not having it. She was uncomfortable from the shots and she didn't want to eat much for a bit, and just being fussy. I know this was one of the first times she has been quite so fussy and helpless, and I know it wont be the last. Let's just hope there aren't many. I love this little one, and I am now more than ever not looking forward to what's to come the next few months. And the last first... good news! It seems like we've been hit with so much bad news that we have been struggling and waiting for some good. Today, we got some. Eleanor's ASD (hole in the upper chamber) continues to remain open, though small. Her lower VSD (hole in the lower chamber), which was substantially larger, has developed some tissue that has split the large hole into two smaller ones. This means she has less blood blow and pressure released to the lungs, which is a huge deal in terms of managing her symptoms to delay surgery. It's *possible* that we could delay surgery until summer if this trend continues, which would be awesome because Lauren and I will both be able to be with her. This has been a major concern for us because Lauren didn't have any leave time to be with her for surgery and recovery, so this would be wonderful for both of us to be home to support, love and comfort her. All things considered, I know we are a strong loving family and she's a fighter!! We have a great support system, and just the support we are receiving from here shows we are extremely loved and we are not alone! As always ☮️❤️😁!! Two Months Old!
I am amazed that 8 weeks have flown by in a blink. I've watched our beautiful girl grow from a fragile, 4 pound, 11oz baby to a fighter: a 7lb, 11 oz baby. She's gained three pounds, which is something to rejoice in! Despite this, she has yet to place on the growth chart for height and weight- she is still too small and behind where she should be. Realistically, she is two months behind (she now weighs what a baby should at birth). We are fighting the clock as her body continues to shut down. She is eating less and her body is working harder. We may need to add another dose of Lasix to battle the heart failure. She tires faster but with an attitude like hers you'd never know it. She greats each day with giggles and a smile! It's my FAVORITE! I love waking up to her. She teaches me what it means to be brave. I have to dig deep to hold it together when I think about the fight ahead of us. Eleanor however, champions each day with bright eyes and warm snuggles. Her smiles light up a room and melt your heart. She coos and sticks out her tongue 👅 when you talk to her, and the doctor says these signs say she's going to be a chatterbox. Watch out daddy! You've got some talkative gals on your hands! She observes and watches everything, especially the people around her. She's so social and lovable- my heart almost cannot contain my love for her. I can't imagine my life without this tiny person who it seems I have just met 8 short weeks ago but feel I've known forever. Her pediatric appointment today was a toughie for me. Poppi came with me to meet her doctor since he, Gramma, and Nannu will take over when I (reluctantly) go back to work. Today, she had three shots and a liquid med. She screamed so hard no sound came out. Watching her red face and her tears streaming down, my heart broke but I didn't show it. We cradled and comforted her and slowly she fell asleep. Now, she's smiling and looking around like it ever happened. 😂 Doc also said we should add more calories to each bottle by putting a coconut oil drop into each one. Feeding her continues to be one of the most most critical things (aside from limiting her exposure) we can do to prepare her for surgery. She needs to be nice and big so her heart will be bigger, but also so she won't lose too much when she's ventilated after her open heart surgery. Lastly- this is a topic that is difficult for us to bring up but crucial that everyone understand. Our team of doctors has reiterated the importance of keeping Nora healthy this holiday season and thereafter. This means we continue to not only be home bound, but must limit the company we invite into the home. Though we long to share Eleanor with you, we ask that you appreciate her from afar and we will do our best to share her via Facebook and our blog. Limiting her visits to immediate family equates to limiting her chances of becoming sick, which could wind up putting her in the hospital. If she were to catch something as seemingly small as a cold or flu, she would most likely be admitted to the hospital and not released until after her surgery, which could be weeks or months later. It is very serious, so we kindly ask for your understanding as we do our best to protect and care for our little girl. Thank you all for the support, kind words, prayers and understanding. God bless you and your families this holiday season! ❤️ We are so grateful to know you and share our experience with you! Look mommy! I'm getting so good at taking my medicine! Lots of practice with you taking my Lasix at home 🏡 Poor girl 😞 lots of snuggles after those pokes.
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AuthorHere we are! Adam, Lauren, Nora, and of course our fur baby Baxter. This is our story. Archives
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